I Need A Little Jackie Warner Ass Kickin'

Warning: If you are already a skinny bitch, then please go drink a damn milk shake!

I loathe the gym. To me there is nothing worse than sweating my chardonnay out on the elliptical while some skinny bitch next to me runs like a damn gazelle! I would move to one of those foreign countries where being grotesquely obese is beautiful in a heart beat. But, we live in a country that idolizes the waif shape so off I go to the gym making myself broken promises of Chik-fil-a if I complete a bootcamp class. In order to give myself just a little more motivation to do some extra crunches I went on a work out shopping spree and found some great basics so at least my fat ass will look good while I'm on the God forsaken StairMaster.


Old Navy has the best active wear. I LOVE their fold-over yoga pants and picked up a pair in every color and with them being under $20 each I got matching moisture wicking tanks too! Now I am one step closer to becoming a skinny bitch, so now what Jackie Warner!?

Has anyone tried Gap Inc.'s new Athleta line???

Why God Created One Piece Swim Suits

Recently one of my best friends was frightened by the sight of a very large woman who was inappropriately wearing a one piece with cut outs! If the suit has cut outs it is disqualified as a one piece; that's a two piece with attachments. This story made me think about how every summer women across the country begin crazy diets and work out schedules in order to look good in their teenie tiny yellow polka dot bikinis. Now while I do not want to look like a beached whale, I refuse to cut back on my alcohol intake in order to look less frightening while poolside. (My personal tip is to find the largest person at the pool and lay next to them.) However, some women have taken this laissez faire attitude to a whole new level. If you have a severe muffin top or dunlap (as in "Her belly done lap over her jeans") then please take the appropriate precautions. I recommend the suits by Magicsuit. My favorite is the shaping halter because it has a very retro Marilyn Monroe vibe. These suits not only have rouching in all the right spots, but are made from a firm control fabric to smooth and contour the body. It's all the benefits of Spanx plus no more frightening young children with a Santa-esque belly jiggle.


As I am a judgemental bitch, I am sure there is a choir of women out there telling me to "kiss their fat ass" then let me say that everyone should lay out, because nothing makes you look thinner than a great tan!