Bitchy Witch, or Sexy Kitten???

I LOVE Halloween.  I usually plan my costume in August, but this year the stress of life caught up with me and I had to put something spook-tacular together last minute.  Major stresser.  So I headed to one of the pop-up Halloween shops to check out the fashions, and was in dismay when I saw that Miranda and Carrie were right, the only choices for women are witch or sex kitten, wtf!? (Come on people...SATC movie, let's try to keep up...)  So home I went empty handed as I refused to give in to the cultural stereotypes that Halloween has created.  Then it hit me...why not base my costume on my birth year....so off I went to a store that is still stuck in 1986-American Apparel.  They had everything that Cyndi Lauper wore: leggings, leg warmers, oversized sweathshirts, and even scrunchies (which refused to wear in my hair unless washing my face, so it became a bracelet).  Remember it's the details that make the costume, so I hit my local drugstore on the way home for neon nail polish and purple eye shadow.  The best part was that after too many cups of Witch's Brew, I could fall right into bed when I got home from the big party!

Hello, Lover

While reading the latest InStyle (sorry Anna Wintour, but it's my fav fashion mag) I came across a spread that literally made my heart skip a beat.  Jimmy Choo is now at H&M.  I know, take a deep breath...it gets better.  This line, liscensed exclusively to H&M, is all under $300!!!  The line debuts in stores Nov. 14, but but hit their site for a sneak peak and some major shoe lust.  Plan early because stores are expecting black Friday worthy crowds (think year of the Tickle Me Elmo...).  So get your girlfriends together, some cosmos, and a spot in line for the shopping event of the year!  Now we can look like Carrie Bradshaw and pay our rent....life couldn't be better!

Zoe Withdrawl

This week Rachel Zoe season 2 has come to an end.  That means no more weekly fashion-gasms over her lustful closet, or wishing I had Brad as my gay hubby.  But I have found something to get me through my reality junkie withdrawl...The Zoe Report.  It's like a daily dose of my drug of choice...fashion!  There's nothing better than waking up in the morning, getting my DC (diet coke...duh!), and getting insider tips from one of the industry's best.  Sign-up today and be happily on your way to maxing out your credit card!

Crayola Crayon Legs

As clearly stated in the title of this blog, I am a huge fan of LBDs.  They always look chic and effortless, and are incredible to accessorize!  My fav accessory this season is tights.  I love them paired with a sweater dress and riding boots-the perfect fall uniform. Last year my favorite pair was hot pink by Betsy Johnson, but this year I am dying for plaid!  While I typically avoid anything preppy for fear of resembling an American Eagle ad, I am digging this Gossip Girl inspired look (p.s. I was totally Blair for Halloween last year, yeah..I know I'm a rockstar).  I've already done the leg work (get it: tights, legs....it's been a long day.) and tested just about every line out there and my fav is the classic Hue.  They totally stay put so you don't have to run to the ladies room to shimmie every five minutes and their selection of colors is definently the best.  And remember when in doubt go with the most vibrant color in the funnest pattern, because really life is too short for  tights in black opaque.

I'm Baaack!

Hello dear readers. I apologize for being MIA for the past week or so, I have been dealing with a family crisis, but do not fear I am back now!  And as you know with a crisis comes stress and with stress comes acne (why thank you Mt. Kilimanjaro for peaking on my chin...).  Thankfully Origins has pulled through for me again with Spot Remover....it's like Oxiclean for your face!  There is nothing worse then when you are stressed out and you look like shit, so this tiny little bottle has been my jar of hope.  Just dab a little on whenever you can and soon the mountain ranges will begin to clear.  And Origins, I am available for spokesman work. 

Beautynomics

While my credit card has been in a deep freeze for most of the summer I have found the one thing that I will make fit into my budget no matter my tax bracket--beauty treatments.  While in the dark ages aka unemployment, I tried to cut back on my hair by getting my cut done by a stylist with little experience-biggest mistake of my life as this led to 90 straight bad hair days.  Though I may not be making a million dollars (yet...) there is something very benefical about looking like you do and that is your personal self worth and esteem.  Sure I could paint my nails myself, but what's the point of working my ass off if I can't enjoy an hour of someone else buffing and moisturizing my tired toes. I have come to the conclusion that I'd rather feed my soul than my fat ass any day, so I choose my monthly mani/pedi over Kashi because really, Ramen is not that bad.

Can't Wait To Step On Crunchy Leaves!

As soon as September hit I ran to my nearest Starbucks to order my first tall carmel apple cider.  While sipping my 5 million calorie beverage that immediately made my ass larger, I made a list of my 3 needs for the upcoming season.  According to my rules needs are pieces you need to complete or update an outfit, and it must be beneficial to at least 3 pieces you already own.  This year my three pieces are:

1.  Last year I constantly battled with trying to tuck my jeans into boots without the awkward bunching around the knees.  I tried super skinny jeans, tucking jeans into tube socks, even safety pinning my jeans to my socks which only ended in bloody socks!   So after endless battles I have found my savior-Citizens of Humanity Stirrup Denim Leggings.  The $200 price tag will totally be worth the time and energy I will save tucking and retucking my other jeans.

2.  After racking up too much credit card debt on cashmere sweaters last year I figured I needed something to change up my look, and that is when I fell into the Gap (remember those old commercials "Fall into the Gap...Fall into the Gap...").  They have great cords in vibrant colors (think pink, mustard, purple...) that will instantly give my last season sweaters a new look.

 

And finally...

3.  As I always wear black most of my shoes are black.  This season I am consciously making an effort to not look like I am mourning so I bought camel boots to go with my new colorful dresses!  Most department stores are already having sales on fall shoes, so now is a good time to start looking, plus you'll have them for when it actually gets cold!  I got these great Steve Madden boots from Nordstrom for about $100. 

Died And Gone To Fashion Week Heaven

 

In case you are otherwise preoccupied and did not know, it is Fashion Week in the Big Apple.  And just as you are packing your minis and bikinis away for the long winter the models are strutting down the runway in your future summer must haves.   I am simply inspired by Cynthia Rowley's retro feel to her collection.  I love the idea of her pieces being both "scary and pretty"--I just love a fashion oxymoron!  Check out www.style.com to continue following fashion week.  I reccommend have a pen and paper near by as to make a list of things you will need for next season!

Don't Get Your Panties In A Twist PETA

Fall is my favorite season for fashion...cashmere, leather, and fur oh my!  Now that Labor Day has come and gone I can finally shop for my fall essentials, one of which being a fur vest.  As I would feel terrible killing Bambie's friend Thumper so that I can look good this season I avoid the real thing (plus, I don't want to risk red paint being thrown on me from my animal lover friends).  I was ecstatic when I discovered South Moon Under while in Maryland a couple of weeks ago, they had the most amaxing fur vest and the best part....it's only $78! (Below is the SMU vest)

 

Now I know you are thinking, "Umm...I can't pull that off", but don't worry LBD is here to wipe away your fashion woes!  If you wanna go for a Rachel Zoe look layer the vest over a thin black tee (I love Theory's Stay tops) and pair it with skinny black pants.  Knee high boots will complete your glamazon outfit!  If you're more of a Nicole Richie gal than pair the vest over a great boho silk dress with some distressed boots (just skip any peace sign accessories as it's not 1969).

Now that I have my totally fall outfit it is time for spiked apple cider!

UGGly

When Uggs first came on the scene couple of years ago I thought it was just a fad and wouldn't last more than a season.  Then they grew on me because of overexposure, the same way "I Kissed A Girl" grew on me because radio stations played it every 20 minutes.  Since this homage to the Eskimos is continuing to exist I thought I would share my dos and don'ts:
1. I understand Uggs were created by a surfer so you may think it's acceptable to be worn with your beach wear, but do they really need to worn with a denim mini?  I think not.  This look is not a fashion statement, more a scream to be on Today's Ambush Makeover.

2.  As ugly as they are I do love the cozy feeling.  And with a great pair of jeans and a cashmere sweater they can actually (gasp!) have a chic vibe.  But please let me say that this look is only acceptable if it is actually cold enough that you can see your breath.

3. Metallic shoes have become my instant go-to to add a little somethin' somethin' to my outfits, but shiny silver moon boot Uggs are just a little too much.  Unless you are one of the Jetsons this look is definitely a don't.

Looking For A Down Payment On Some Choos

As I've mentioned before in this blog this economic downfall has hit us vulnerable, yet very stylish, retail workers hard. While typically I am all about giving money to causes, I have found myself and colleagues to be our own very special cause. I am definitely Team Obama, but have noticed that retail is the one major industry that has not yet received a stimulus package.  So finally the very fabulous Devils in Prada, aka Vogue editors, around the world have decided to dedicate a night to our sorry asses.  Even if you do not live in the great NYC your own city is affected and you should therefore participate, because remember stores can not exist without people shopping nor will the economy get better.  And don't forget when you can shop local!

It's A Bitchfest

The pawparazzi was out in NYC over the weekend for Pet Fashion Week. While I am no Paris Hilton I do enjoy an adorable collar and a precious sweater every now and then, and as my puperonnies are my babies I enjoy spoiling them. I recently discovered K-9 Closet at my favorite doggie boutique and am ob-freaking-sessed! I have two adorable Pekingese pups Farrah as in Fawcett and Madeline as in the little yellow jacket. As they have long hair, I've been looking for a collar that would be thick enough to stand out in their long fur and finally have found it! For Madeline I picked up this Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs collar (top) that is to die for adorable and am about to go back to pick up this Asian Treat collar for Farrah (bottom). The best part is you can have them adorned with Swarovski crystals, now what bitch doesn't love a little bling!?

At Least They Serve Wine.

I am finally making a trip to see my college roommates and future bridesmaids in Maryland this weekend. Unfortunately to get there I have to fly. I am not scared of flying but hate sitting in a small space for over two hours, especially if the person next two you qualifies for the needs two seats rule. So in lieu of this I thought I would share my top 3 travel must haves.

1. An eye mask. I picked one up last Christmas at Bath and Body works for at $5.00 and never travel without it. It is the perfect way to block out the pain in the ass sitting next to you, especially if they are a talker. As soon as they lean over as if to ask me a question I simply slide on my mask and enjoy a peaceful flight.


2. Origins No Puffery. Put this in the fridge before you leave and you can enjoy a little spa treatment while cruising at high altitudes. I put on a thick layer while it is cool then tissue it off before landing. Viola, no puffy eyes!

3. Origins Peace of Mind (yes, I do have a slight obsession with this line of skin care). What does every spa have? Aromatherapy, and now you can take it with you. The mint smell of this product is very relaxing and it feels tingly when applied to the skin. I put it on my pressure points and try to survive the screaming children.

Now all you need is a glass of Pinot and it is smooth sailing.

I Need A Little Jackie Warner Ass Kickin'

Warning: If you are already a skinny bitch, then please go drink a damn milk shake!

I loathe the gym. To me there is nothing worse than sweating my chardonnay out on the elliptical while some skinny bitch next to me runs like a damn gazelle! I would move to one of those foreign countries where being grotesquely obese is beautiful in a heart beat. But, we live in a country that idolizes the waif shape so off I go to the gym making myself broken promises of Chik-fil-a if I complete a bootcamp class. In order to give myself just a little more motivation to do some extra crunches I went on a work out shopping spree and found some great basics so at least my fat ass will look good while I'm on the God forsaken StairMaster.


Old Navy has the best active wear. I LOVE their fold-over yoga pants and picked up a pair in every color and with them being under $20 each I got matching moisture wicking tanks too! Now I am one step closer to becoming a skinny bitch, so now what Jackie Warner!?

Has anyone tried Gap Inc.'s new Athleta line???

Your Mall Is Not A Flea Market

Every morning I turn on the Today Show and turn the volume waaaay up so I can hear about all the latest things happening while getting ready. Today while applying my Diorshow mascara I about poked myself in the eye when I heard Al Roker discussing haggling at retail stores, and they were not referring to pawn shops. I might be just slightly biased as a retail worker, but really!? Now I have already written Mr. Lauer and the rest of the gang in reference to this exact topic, but apparently my letter went unread. So let me share again my feelings on this subject. Like many I too have had to find ways to cut back in the last year, especially when I was unemployed from my retail job. A little Apparel Merchandising 101: Retail is the largest world wide industry and therefore employs the most people. Also, retail spending is one of the first areas people "cut back" during tough economic times leading to companies filing chapter 11 and making lay offs (which is what happened in my case). I have encountered these hagglers in real life who try things like, "So what kind of deal will you give me if I buy two pairs of these Theory pants?" my only response is this, "If you buy three I will throw in a goat for free." Unless you are buying a car this behavior is not acceptable. So go shopping and keep my sassy ass employed so I won't have to look like a fool again in line for unemployment with my Tory Burch bag!


If you wanna read this ridiculous article check it out here The Art of Haggling.

The Best Part Is You Can Wear It Again

While watching 27 Dresses for the millionth time tonight (I always pause for 10 minutes to admire Tess's gown, I am borderline stalking) I realized how cruel many brides are to their bridesmaids. I understand where many brides might fear their best friends looking better than them, but instead of putting them all in hideous lime green taffeta smocks perhaps they should have simply picked uglier bridesmaids. In an attempt to rationalize the $300 the bride's bitches have to spend on the hideous frocks every bride throws in the classic line of "you can wear it again," which is always said sincerely and enthusiastically as if it were really true. In an attempt to break this vicious cycle I have decided that I will allow my bridesmaids to chose their dresses, with some color guidance of course. The best way to do this is to go with black as it is a classic that everyone should have in their wardrobe anyway. When shopping for a perfect LBD remember two things: have the mind-set "What would Holly Golightly wear" and be willing to spend anything for the perfect fit as this is an investment piece. Theory makes my favorite LBD (as seen below) it has a knit top and woven bottom, and POCKETS! I have worn it literally everywhere from Holiday parties to work. It's a potential bride's bitches dream dress that really could be worn again!

If It's Good Enough For Bethenny Frankel...

We all remember the season of SATC when Carrie so fashionably let her roots show. It's easy to think that if SJP can skip a hair appointment then so can the rest of us, but remember SJP has a hair stylist making her non touch-upped highlights look put together. Personally, I have always feared boxed hair color for fear of turning my hair a fluorescent shade of orange, but then while watching The Today Show one morning I heard my favorite Real Housewife Bethenny Frankel comment on how some drugstore hair dye had saved her day. If you know anything about Bethenny then you are aware that one she knows her alcohol and two she does not sugar coat things, so I knew that if it worked for her it would work for me. One bottle of Clairol Nice 'N Easy and $6.00 later my roots were covered and I was able to last 4 more weeks before an appointment. So next time you are looking to save a little $$$ by trying to stetch time between appointments hit your local Target for a little color pick me up.

A Little Class With The Bitch...

Disclosure: What is written below does not pertain to Forever 21, please refer to How To Avoid An Anxiety Attack In 5 Steps.

After another long day working the retail trenches I went home, opened a bottle of wine (some days glasses are not necessary), and pondered why some customers are such ass holes. If this comment seems slightly harsh then you have clearly never worked in retail. There are many types of shoppers out there, but my least favorite are those who shop to feel better about themselves by crushing the hopes and dreams of sales associates (ok, well that might be a little dramatic, but you get the jist). Now don't get me wrong, excellent customer service is a must for all retail stores, but that does not mean associates are there to watch your children, or follow you around as if they are your pack mule. Perhaps it is time for Emily Post's basics of etiquette remix edition: if you do not pile designer clothes on your closet floor do not do it in a fitting room, if water or cappuccino is offered and you decline you do not deserve the right to demand a beverage later, and finally if you are greeted then you need to respond as not doing so is just plain rude and no one likes a stuck up bitch.
Today's Lesson: If you are not polite enough for face to face shopping, then you should only shop at places with a self-help check out lane.

Why God Created One Piece Swim Suits

Recently one of my best friends was frightened by the sight of a very large woman who was inappropriately wearing a one piece with cut outs! If the suit has cut outs it is disqualified as a one piece; that's a two piece with attachments. This story made me think about how every summer women across the country begin crazy diets and work out schedules in order to look good in their teenie tiny yellow polka dot bikinis. Now while I do not want to look like a beached whale, I refuse to cut back on my alcohol intake in order to look less frightening while poolside. (My personal tip is to find the largest person at the pool and lay next to them.) However, some women have taken this laissez faire attitude to a whole new level. If you have a severe muffin top or dunlap (as in "Her belly done lap over her jeans") then please take the appropriate precautions. I recommend the suits by Magicsuit. My favorite is the shaping halter because it has a very retro Marilyn Monroe vibe. These suits not only have rouching in all the right spots, but are made from a firm control fabric to smooth and contour the body. It's all the benefits of Spanx plus no more frightening young children with a Santa-esque belly jiggle.


As I am a judgemental bitch, I am sure there is a choir of women out there telling me to "kiss their fat ass" then let me say that everyone should lay out, because nothing makes you look thinner than a great tan!

Because It's Not Over Yet

Summer is one of my favorite times of year, it means laying poolside and sipping margaritas (on the rocks with salt, please). However, all the trash seems to come out of the wood work. Just the sight of the bad outfits makes me want to have a bad day. If you have been on the Country Club Plaza, or any other city, on a hot day then you know what I am talking about. The horrific hot pink lip gloss, exposed bras, cut off jean shorts (not in a Jennifer Aniston way), and of course the exposed beer guts (or 24 packs as I like to call them) cause me to have nightmares. In light of this I have composed a list of my three favorite beauty products that are a must have to get through the dog days of summer.

1. There is nothing worse than paying for highlights (I mean soaking them up naturally of course....) than to have them damaged by the sun and chlorine. After endless bitching about how ridiculous I look in a hat my stylist got me hooked on Aveda Sun Care Protective Hair Veil. Just mist this invisible screen onto hair for 16 hours of protection and you can throw out that miserable hat!

2. If you live in the Midwest you are very familiar with the horrid humidity and its affect on your make up. You can put on foundation in the morning, then after walking to your car it is melting off your face. Unless you want to look like Mrs. Doubtfire this is not a good look. So I was thrilled to find my favorite make up line Laura Mercier come out with an illuminating tinted moisturizer. All you need is a thin layer and it looks natural all day. A total life saver for summer!

3. If your natural skin color resembles Casper the Ghost as mine does than you may need a little help in the tanning area. After many trials and errors (some causing my to resemble a leper) I have found the best sunless tanner by L'oreal. The best part is you can find it at Target! Sublime Bronze gives you immediate color and looks very natural when mixed with your body lotion. I could not live without this during the summer!


Now all that is needed is some super dark shades so you won't be caught judging all the horrific summer "don'ts" out there!

I Swear To Tell The Whole Truth....

My friend over at Your Style Scout (totally helpful--check it out!) has tagged me in a "10 Honest Things About You" game, as seen on Facebook, but for bloggers. As I know you are clearly so interested in me (which I would be too if I were you...) here are 10 things for you to learn.
1. I have always wanted to be on the Real World. Unfortunately, this will not happen as I have morals. I still dream of being on a reality show.
2. Disney World is my favorite place in the entire world. Yet, I do not like children.
3. Writing has always been one of my favorite things. I dream of one day writing a novel.
4. I watch Food Network while working out. I once even ordered take out while on the Stair Master.
5. My scary age is 30.
6. I have always loved the Spice Girls and Victoria Beckham is one of my icons. I regret not seeing their reunion concert.
7. When I grow up I want to be Chelsea Handler.
8. I truly love my pets more than I like most people.
9. I rationalize things in my life according to "Hey, It's Ok..." in Glamour Magazine every month.
10. When I was little I wanted to be a paleontologist (study dinos).

A bonus #11: I don't like to share much...so that's all folks!

Hold On To Your Panties, Ladies

Throughout this entire recession I have had the constant feeling that Suze Orman has been haunting me every time I make a purchase. I get to the register at Nordstroms with my Marc Jacobs aviators in hand and then her raspy voice begins to ring in my ears, "First people, then money, then things." The internationally acclaimed financial bitch has caused me reconsider many of my acquisitions, expecpt for my beloved Hanky Pankys. After all, undies are a necessity right? I know you are all exclaiming yes, but if you have never bought Hanky Pankys before you may be shocked by the $18.00 price tag. Now as I decide how to "cut back" on my spending due to the economy I realize that spending around $100.00 on just 5 pairs of undies may be a little ridiculous. While I was about to trade in my lace butter obsession for some basic Hanes I fell into the Gap and discovered Hanky Panky knock-offs. At first I was weary about trying my new undies, but found them to be just as comfortable and as cute! (The panties to the right are from the Gap.) Extra bonus: Now I can afford a matching bra too! You've just got served Suze Orman!

How To Avoid An Anxiety Attack In 5 Steps

As I mentioned Forever 21 in a recent post I feel that it is only fair that I give you some tips on how to survive the jungle. When entering Forever it is easy to get overwhelmed, but remember this shopping trip is a marathon, not a sprint. So here are my tips on how to survive without a mental break down.
Notice how nice and clean the outside looks, ironic right?

1. Go alone. It's like climbing Everest, the last thing you need is dead weight.
2. Drink. Heavily. I recommend at least a glass of wine before entering....or a flask of Absolut....ya know, whatever.
3. Bring an oversize tote or hand bag. This can be used to help you carry all your finds, or as I prefer to do, block skinny bitch 16 year olds who get in my way.
4. Leave nothing behind. Forevers apparent merchandising style is to take their clothing and randomly place it around the store, you're lucky if it's on a hanger. So if you see something grab it because God knows if you'll ever see it again.
5. Keep this mantra in your head: I am saving enough money for those Tory Burch flats. So if you get frustrated by the bitchy sales people who do not deserve minimum wage, then remember you are buying a pair of jeans for $15.00.

Author's Note: If you are a Forever 21 employee I do not mean to offend you, but perhaps take this as conductive criticism on how to improve on your place of work.

J'adore Lepore

I am ba-na-nas for this little piece of heaven. The only way I could explain my feeling when my eyes landed on this dress is, "I die!" (Perhaps I've been watching a little too much Rachel Zoe...) This Nanette Lepore dress for fall 2009 would be fabulous for future brides, such as yours truly. It's great to wear to showers or rehearsal dinners. Plus it's the perfect fall sheath...just imagine tights, boots, and a motorcycle jacket for a casual day shopping and sipping red wine...mmm perfection. While the dress is a little bit pricey (around $350) it is definitely worth it as you will have many ways and places to wear it. A little trick of the trade for rationalizing expensive pieces is: amount of times you will wear the item/price=cost per wear So really this dress is only $29 per wear if you wear it 12 times. Not looking so bad now is it?!

Look Twice As Good As The Bitch Next To You

Two of my best friends are coming to visit me this weekend which leaves me to ponder, "What the hell am I gonna wear!?" Now, while I love my friends and they are totally hot I don't want to look like the ugly step sister the wing man has to occupy. My obsession with the perfect outfit has caused me to take my credit card out of retirement (a frozen glass of water in the freezer--I kid you not). Luckily, you will all benefit from my very Becky Bloomwood afternoon of shopping. (If you do not know who Becky Bloomwood is than you seriously need to hit B&N immediately!)


As it's summer I feel the need to show off my freshly baked skin whenever possible which typically means that I must trade in my typical LBD uniform for a fresh LWD (that's little WHITE dress in case you are unfamiliar with the lingo around here). This summer I found the most perfect dress at Target by Tracy Feith. While I typically avoid ruffles for fear of resembling Shirley Temple, the exposed gold zipper on this little frock gives it a rock star edge. Plus how can you beat a a dress that only costs $44.99?! That's practically free!


Unless you are a total hick you've noticed that this summer has been all about the maxi. If you have yet to try them than you are missing out on the biggest "Do" of the year. There are tons of different styles and they are the most comfortable way to look chic this summer. I adore this tie dye one (yes hippies it's back, but please no hemp accessories). Pick this one up at your local Forever for under $25.00. Now that's really free!


I hope everyone has the same restraint as me while shopping (which is none). When in doubt just think of how you are stimulating the economy. Oh how Pres. Obama would be proud! Now, I must return my credit card to its resting place in the freezer.

Oh Sorry, Is My Bling Blinding You?

Over the weekend my boyfriend of all eternity finally proposed (lots of praise for me!). As the poor sucker already knows I am a materialistic bitch and once the shock wore off wanted to immediately know size (appropriate), where it's from(cute boutique), and if it was insured(thank you State Farm). Once the ring was safely placed on my finger it occurred to me how skeevy my nails looked! With out the bling bling I had no reason to keep my nails painted on a regular basis. It is amazing how unruly cuticles and dull nails can destroy the rock, it's the same effect a '80s permed and feathered hair style can destroy the perfect DVF wrap dress. It just makes you want to scream, "Hello, 1984 called and wants their look back!" I knew Tiffanys would be judging me!

I prefer nails short and square because it's the most practical and the least maintenance. Plus this looks great with both dark and light polish. Right now I am wearing Zoya Adel. With one coat you instantly look as if you have just left the nail salon. Plus it lasts FOREVER and is free of all those icky chemicals.
Another classic you must have in your cosmetic bag is Essie Ballet Slippers. This is the perfect pale pink and always makes you look instantly put together.If you are feeling a little edgy than dark polish is the way to go. I love charcoal grays all year long. Just please keep your nails short if you go with darks, we wouldn't want you looking like a True Blood character now would we? OPI You Don't Know Jacques is the best matte and a totally flattering with every skin tone--a definite must try!

Today's lesson kids: If you have a rock on your hand, please keep your nails nice...and I won't judge you.



*The ring at the top of this post is not mine...as mine is waaay better! This is just an example of a possible ring.

Making The World Better One Fat Ass At A Time

Warning: If you are part of the 5% of women who wear a size 2 or less then this does not concern your skinny bitch ass.

As a retail professional at the store level I am constantly asked the question, "Do I look fat in this?" Well, if you look like anything resembling a Biggest Loser contestant, then yes! (There is a mirror in the room, if you think the outfit is questionable do yourself a favor and put down the venti cup o'fat.) For most of us women we need a little somethin' somethin' to hold everything nicely in place. It is absolutely essential that every woman has at least one pair of Spanx in their wardrobe. While you may be thinking that $30.00 plus is expensive, then you are in luck! Sara Blakely creater of Spanx has created a cheaper line called Assets that will run you about $15.00 and is available at Target. My personal favorite is the Unbelieveable Underwear. Also, the Assets tights and leggings are winter essentials. So please, the next time you go to try on that Trina Turk dress take your Assets so a sales associate won't have to lose their job saying ,"Yes, that does make your ass look large."

Bitter is the New Black

Over the course of the last three months I have spent a majority of my time unemployed. Besides not being able to afford the cutest new DVF wedges, the worst part of unemployment is having to wait in line at your local unemployment office. Let me preface this by saying that I am not as bitchy as this will sound (well, maybe I am..) but do they really need to place these offices in the most poverty stricken neighborhoods of cities? I mean c'mon?! So while being judged by the man assigned to make me a "resume" that consisted of incoherent sentences about my "skills" I thought there has to be something more. After leaving hell, I mean the unemployment office, I went immediately to Barnes and Noble to find a self help book to get me out of my slump. I first looked at the highly praised "Eat, Pray, Love" about a rich bitch who took a year vacay to find the "meaning of life." Being jobless, broke, and depressed I found that I was not in the mood to hear a recap of the priveleged girl's trip around the world. Once my frustration surpassed I stumbled upon it. "Bitter is the New Black-Confessions of a Condescending, Egomaniacal, Self-Centered Smartass, Or, Why You Should Never Carry a Prada Bag to the Unemployment Office." It was as if a choir was singing "Hallelujah" around me. It was PERFECT. Through Jen Lancasters rantings I found that I too had lots to share about my passion for fashion. So here we are. I can't wait for this journey to start, and hope you enjoy the ride!