Why God Created One Piece Swim Suits

Recently one of my best friends was frightened by the sight of a very large woman who was inappropriately wearing a one piece with cut outs! If the suit has cut outs it is disqualified as a one piece; that's a two piece with attachments. This story made me think about how every summer women across the country begin crazy diets and work out schedules in order to look good in their teenie tiny yellow polka dot bikinis. Now while I do not want to look like a beached whale, I refuse to cut back on my alcohol intake in order to look less frightening while poolside. (My personal tip is to find the largest person at the pool and lay next to them.) However, some women have taken this laissez faire attitude to a whole new level. If you have a severe muffin top or dunlap (as in "Her belly done lap over her jeans") then please take the appropriate precautions. I recommend the suits by Magicsuit. My favorite is the shaping halter because it has a very retro Marilyn Monroe vibe. These suits not only have rouching in all the right spots, but are made from a firm control fabric to smooth and contour the body. It's all the benefits of Spanx plus no more frightening young children with a Santa-esque belly jiggle.


As I am a judgemental bitch, I am sure there is a choir of women out there telling me to "kiss their fat ass" then let me say that everyone should lay out, because nothing makes you look thinner than a great tan!