A Little Class With The Bitch...

Disclosure: What is written below does not pertain to Forever 21, please refer to How To Avoid An Anxiety Attack In 5 Steps.

After another long day working the retail trenches I went home, opened a bottle of wine (some days glasses are not necessary), and pondered why some customers are such ass holes. If this comment seems slightly harsh then you have clearly never worked in retail. There are many types of shoppers out there, but my least favorite are those who shop to feel better about themselves by crushing the hopes and dreams of sales associates (ok, well that might be a little dramatic, but you get the jist). Now don't get me wrong, excellent customer service is a must for all retail stores, but that does not mean associates are there to watch your children, or follow you around as if they are your pack mule. Perhaps it is time for Emily Post's basics of etiquette remix edition: if you do not pile designer clothes on your closet floor do not do it in a fitting room, if water or cappuccino is offered and you decline you do not deserve the right to demand a beverage later, and finally if you are greeted then you need to respond as not doing so is just plain rude and no one likes a stuck up bitch.
Today's Lesson: If you are not polite enough for face to face shopping, then you should only shop at places with a self-help check out lane.

Why God Created One Piece Swim Suits

Recently one of my best friends was frightened by the sight of a very large woman who was inappropriately wearing a one piece with cut outs! If the suit has cut outs it is disqualified as a one piece; that's a two piece with attachments. This story made me think about how every summer women across the country begin crazy diets and work out schedules in order to look good in their teenie tiny yellow polka dot bikinis. Now while I do not want to look like a beached whale, I refuse to cut back on my alcohol intake in order to look less frightening while poolside. (My personal tip is to find the largest person at the pool and lay next to them.) However, some women have taken this laissez faire attitude to a whole new level. If you have a severe muffin top or dunlap (as in "Her belly done lap over her jeans") then please take the appropriate precautions. I recommend the suits by Magicsuit. My favorite is the shaping halter because it has a very retro Marilyn Monroe vibe. These suits not only have rouching in all the right spots, but are made from a firm control fabric to smooth and contour the body. It's all the benefits of Spanx plus no more frightening young children with a Santa-esque belly jiggle.


As I am a judgemental bitch, I am sure there is a choir of women out there telling me to "kiss their fat ass" then let me say that everyone should lay out, because nothing makes you look thinner than a great tan!

Because It's Not Over Yet

Summer is one of my favorite times of year, it means laying poolside and sipping margaritas (on the rocks with salt, please). However, all the trash seems to come out of the wood work. Just the sight of the bad outfits makes me want to have a bad day. If you have been on the Country Club Plaza, or any other city, on a hot day then you know what I am talking about. The horrific hot pink lip gloss, exposed bras, cut off jean shorts (not in a Jennifer Aniston way), and of course the exposed beer guts (or 24 packs as I like to call them) cause me to have nightmares. In light of this I have composed a list of my three favorite beauty products that are a must have to get through the dog days of summer.

1. There is nothing worse than paying for highlights (I mean soaking them up naturally of course....) than to have them damaged by the sun and chlorine. After endless bitching about how ridiculous I look in a hat my stylist got me hooked on Aveda Sun Care Protective Hair Veil. Just mist this invisible screen onto hair for 16 hours of protection and you can throw out that miserable hat!

2. If you live in the Midwest you are very familiar with the horrid humidity and its affect on your make up. You can put on foundation in the morning, then after walking to your car it is melting off your face. Unless you want to look like Mrs. Doubtfire this is not a good look. So I was thrilled to find my favorite make up line Laura Mercier come out with an illuminating tinted moisturizer. All you need is a thin layer and it looks natural all day. A total life saver for summer!

3. If your natural skin color resembles Casper the Ghost as mine does than you may need a little help in the tanning area. After many trials and errors (some causing my to resemble a leper) I have found the best sunless tanner by L'oreal. The best part is you can find it at Target! Sublime Bronze gives you immediate color and looks very natural when mixed with your body lotion. I could not live without this during the summer!


Now all that is needed is some super dark shades so you won't be caught judging all the horrific summer "don'ts" out there!

I Swear To Tell The Whole Truth....

My friend over at Your Style Scout (totally helpful--check it out!) has tagged me in a "10 Honest Things About You" game, as seen on Facebook, but for bloggers. As I know you are clearly so interested in me (which I would be too if I were you...) here are 10 things for you to learn.
1. I have always wanted to be on the Real World. Unfortunately, this will not happen as I have morals. I still dream of being on a reality show.
2. Disney World is my favorite place in the entire world. Yet, I do not like children.
3. Writing has always been one of my favorite things. I dream of one day writing a novel.
4. I watch Food Network while working out. I once even ordered take out while on the Stair Master.
5. My scary age is 30.
6. I have always loved the Spice Girls and Victoria Beckham is one of my icons. I regret not seeing their reunion concert.
7. When I grow up I want to be Chelsea Handler.
8. I truly love my pets more than I like most people.
9. I rationalize things in my life according to "Hey, It's Ok..." in Glamour Magazine every month.
10. When I was little I wanted to be a paleontologist (study dinos).

A bonus #11: I don't like to share much...so that's all folks!

Hold On To Your Panties, Ladies

Throughout this entire recession I have had the constant feeling that Suze Orman has been haunting me every time I make a purchase. I get to the register at Nordstroms with my Marc Jacobs aviators in hand and then her raspy voice begins to ring in my ears, "First people, then money, then things." The internationally acclaimed financial bitch has caused me reconsider many of my acquisitions, expecpt for my beloved Hanky Pankys. After all, undies are a necessity right? I know you are all exclaiming yes, but if you have never bought Hanky Pankys before you may be shocked by the $18.00 price tag. Now as I decide how to "cut back" on my spending due to the economy I realize that spending around $100.00 on just 5 pairs of undies may be a little ridiculous. While I was about to trade in my lace butter obsession for some basic Hanes I fell into the Gap and discovered Hanky Panky knock-offs. At first I was weary about trying my new undies, but found them to be just as comfortable and as cute! (The panties to the right are from the Gap.) Extra bonus: Now I can afford a matching bra too! You've just got served Suze Orman!

How To Avoid An Anxiety Attack In 5 Steps

As I mentioned Forever 21 in a recent post I feel that it is only fair that I give you some tips on how to survive the jungle. When entering Forever it is easy to get overwhelmed, but remember this shopping trip is a marathon, not a sprint. So here are my tips on how to survive without a mental break down.
Notice how nice and clean the outside looks, ironic right?

1. Go alone. It's like climbing Everest, the last thing you need is dead weight.
2. Drink. Heavily. I recommend at least a glass of wine before entering....or a flask of Absolut....ya know, whatever.
3. Bring an oversize tote or hand bag. This can be used to help you carry all your finds, or as I prefer to do, block skinny bitch 16 year olds who get in my way.
4. Leave nothing behind. Forevers apparent merchandising style is to take their clothing and randomly place it around the store, you're lucky if it's on a hanger. So if you see something grab it because God knows if you'll ever see it again.
5. Keep this mantra in your head: I am saving enough money for those Tory Burch flats. So if you get frustrated by the bitchy sales people who do not deserve minimum wage, then remember you are buying a pair of jeans for $15.00.

Author's Note: If you are a Forever 21 employee I do not mean to offend you, but perhaps take this as conductive criticism on how to improve on your place of work.

J'adore Lepore

I am ba-na-nas for this little piece of heaven. The only way I could explain my feeling when my eyes landed on this dress is, "I die!" (Perhaps I've been watching a little too much Rachel Zoe...) This Nanette Lepore dress for fall 2009 would be fabulous for future brides, such as yours truly. It's great to wear to showers or rehearsal dinners. Plus it's the perfect fall sheath...just imagine tights, boots, and a motorcycle jacket for a casual day shopping and sipping red wine...mmm perfection. While the dress is a little bit pricey (around $350) it is definitely worth it as you will have many ways and places to wear it. A little trick of the trade for rationalizing expensive pieces is: amount of times you will wear the item/price=cost per wear So really this dress is only $29 per wear if you wear it 12 times. Not looking so bad now is it?!

Look Twice As Good As The Bitch Next To You

Two of my best friends are coming to visit me this weekend which leaves me to ponder, "What the hell am I gonna wear!?" Now, while I love my friends and they are totally hot I don't want to look like the ugly step sister the wing man has to occupy. My obsession with the perfect outfit has caused me to take my credit card out of retirement (a frozen glass of water in the freezer--I kid you not). Luckily, you will all benefit from my very Becky Bloomwood afternoon of shopping. (If you do not know who Becky Bloomwood is than you seriously need to hit B&N immediately!)


As it's summer I feel the need to show off my freshly baked skin whenever possible which typically means that I must trade in my typical LBD uniform for a fresh LWD (that's little WHITE dress in case you are unfamiliar with the lingo around here). This summer I found the most perfect dress at Target by Tracy Feith. While I typically avoid ruffles for fear of resembling Shirley Temple, the exposed gold zipper on this little frock gives it a rock star edge. Plus how can you beat a a dress that only costs $44.99?! That's practically free!


Unless you are a total hick you've noticed that this summer has been all about the maxi. If you have yet to try them than you are missing out on the biggest "Do" of the year. There are tons of different styles and they are the most comfortable way to look chic this summer. I adore this tie dye one (yes hippies it's back, but please no hemp accessories). Pick this one up at your local Forever for under $25.00. Now that's really free!


I hope everyone has the same restraint as me while shopping (which is none). When in doubt just think of how you are stimulating the economy. Oh how Pres. Obama would be proud! Now, I must return my credit card to its resting place in the freezer.

Oh Sorry, Is My Bling Blinding You?

Over the weekend my boyfriend of all eternity finally proposed (lots of praise for me!). As the poor sucker already knows I am a materialistic bitch and once the shock wore off wanted to immediately know size (appropriate), where it's from(cute boutique), and if it was insured(thank you State Farm). Once the ring was safely placed on my finger it occurred to me how skeevy my nails looked! With out the bling bling I had no reason to keep my nails painted on a regular basis. It is amazing how unruly cuticles and dull nails can destroy the rock, it's the same effect a '80s permed and feathered hair style can destroy the perfect DVF wrap dress. It just makes you want to scream, "Hello, 1984 called and wants their look back!" I knew Tiffanys would be judging me!

I prefer nails short and square because it's the most practical and the least maintenance. Plus this looks great with both dark and light polish. Right now I am wearing Zoya Adel. With one coat you instantly look as if you have just left the nail salon. Plus it lasts FOREVER and is free of all those icky chemicals.
Another classic you must have in your cosmetic bag is Essie Ballet Slippers. This is the perfect pale pink and always makes you look instantly put together.If you are feeling a little edgy than dark polish is the way to go. I love charcoal grays all year long. Just please keep your nails short if you go with darks, we wouldn't want you looking like a True Blood character now would we? OPI You Don't Know Jacques is the best matte and a totally flattering with every skin tone--a definite must try!

Today's lesson kids: If you have a rock on your hand, please keep your nails nice...and I won't judge you.



*The ring at the top of this post is not mine...as mine is waaay better! This is just an example of a possible ring.

Making The World Better One Fat Ass At A Time

Warning: If you are part of the 5% of women who wear a size 2 or less then this does not concern your skinny bitch ass.

As a retail professional at the store level I am constantly asked the question, "Do I look fat in this?" Well, if you look like anything resembling a Biggest Loser contestant, then yes! (There is a mirror in the room, if you think the outfit is questionable do yourself a favor and put down the venti cup o'fat.) For most of us women we need a little somethin' somethin' to hold everything nicely in place. It is absolutely essential that every woman has at least one pair of Spanx in their wardrobe. While you may be thinking that $30.00 plus is expensive, then you are in luck! Sara Blakely creater of Spanx has created a cheaper line called Assets that will run you about $15.00 and is available at Target. My personal favorite is the Unbelieveable Underwear. Also, the Assets tights and leggings are winter essentials. So please, the next time you go to try on that Trina Turk dress take your Assets so a sales associate won't have to lose their job saying ,"Yes, that does make your ass look large."